In the last 5 years I started 8 websites. Heck I built them all myself. Word for word, image for image. There’s more I will share with you about these last 5 years, that I often refer to as my clester-f#$k years, but for now, I’ll say this – you’re on the lucky website. I deleted the other 9. They existed only because I couldn’t decide which one to pick – for 5 whole years.
Hey! I’m Kanika and I love a good story. Especially when the good story is mine to tell.
So, consider this the first hey—a reintroduction, a reset, a reclaiming.
Did I mention I have two daughters? Let’s call them little K (gonna be 5 soon!) and baby A (all of 7 months)
In the last 5 years, I’ve spent 1.5 years pregnant (with the two girls), 2.5 years (so far) breastfeeding, had 2 c sections, stayed relatively sane through a worldwide pandemic and postpartum while I lost and found myself again several times over. Circling in this middle space between identity loss, and identity creation, while going through a few circumstances that would weather any human being.
I gave myself a deadline. Pick one goddam website and go for it. These deadlines came and went and 8 websites became 10. Instead of picking one, I created two more. More names, more themes, more concepts, more sites. Trying to fill empty spaces within.
Forgetting, slowly and surely how decisive, determined, and dedicated I could be. Forgetting how good it felt to move forward even with just one tiny step. Getting comfortable in my own web of confusion and procrastination. Fearing failure. Fearing success. Staying stuck. If I didn’t start, I couldn’t fail. Or succeed (haha fear of success is a funny one).
And yesterday, I had a beautiful conversation with a friend I’ve known for twenty years. Sitting across oceans, we reconnected recently, and she gifted me with a memory of not just who I used to be, but who I can become. Strange how you can feel nostalgic towards your future self.
She sent me a picture of our happy days in London, took time to go through my whole website (just the one), share her thoughts and encouragement, and ever so lovingly reminded me that ‘I’m way above what I feel about myself at this stage’
And this reaffirmed what I always believe – we are connected through our stories, and I hope, I can encourage you, like she encouraged me when I needed it.
‘Lend me your years and I’ll help you see, you’re so much more than you think you can Be’
I hope to meet you through my words every week.
So come. Sit. Relax. Read. Listen. Let’s exchange stories. Let’s laugh. Let’s life.
As I look at my picture of the younger prettier london self,
I see her—24, laughing, weightless, eyes full of light. caught mid-moment in a world that felt infinite.
She was fearless in ways I admire, reckless in ways I now understand.
She hadn’t yet learned the quiet strength of boundaries, the peace in letting go, the art of choosing herself. But she danced through life with a heart wide open, believing that everything was possible.
And maybe, just maybe, she was right.
I look in the mirror and feel nothing like her. It’s a different person I see. And through my not enoughness, I know she would be in awe of what I’ve endured, marvel at the wisdom I’ve gained and applaud the person I’ve become. Sure, we look different.
But we both know that I am her, and she is me, and we both get to keep the parts we like and discard the parts we don’t as we recreate the woman we want to be.
We get to begin again. And that’s more than enough.
Until the next hey,
Much Love,
Kanika
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